made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
