the condom got lost in my hair
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
