spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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