Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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