did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
