I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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