its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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