im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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