you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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