The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
