I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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