I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
