I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
