So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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