If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Randomize
