I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
