I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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