i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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