TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
