Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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