He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
