She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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