o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
