I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
