I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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