Even the bartender felt bad for me
is wine microwaveable?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
