My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
