I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
