I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
