I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
