dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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