Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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