oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
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he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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