The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
