The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
