I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
