I don't usually arrange sex via text message
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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