Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
