Can Purell be used as lube?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
