seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
