I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
