...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
