You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
