nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
