If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
