i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
