I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
