Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
