This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
