Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
