That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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