I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Green mimosas i think yes
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
