i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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