I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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