our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
