How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My balls are so social today.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
