He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drake has all the answers
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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