happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
